Sometimes, I can sit and think for hours. Last night from about 1-4:30am is a great example of "sometimes". Understand, me and the fetus are ok different sleeping schedules already. I crash after I make dinner and spend a little time with my family and sleep like the dead until he wakes me up. So, at about 1am, he did just that...and I was awake...forever...
I talk about it allll the time--the way my life took such a big turn. One day, I was the quintessential party girl who was nowhere near tired of being a rolling stone. I would hop on a plane headed to anywhere after giving I a few minutes of thoughts...everyone was my friend and the world was my oyster. SWITCH. Turn to me becoming a single Mom when I was 28 with someone that I still don't understand what I have in common. With that birth came tears, and struggle, and bitter feelings that shook my shiny world like a snow globe. SWITCH. To me meeting MY Prince Charming, saying "I do!", having 2 more kids and taking on his pre-existing two. Fast-forward to today--35 years old, having my last(I think!) baby, and living the life as Mommy.
Without a doubt, the last 8 years have been crazy...sometimes horrible crazy but often deliriously happy crazy. I love my life but sometimes....sometimes, I feel like I was dropped onto a couch in the middle of my current life from the clutches of a strange bird. Sometimes, I can't help but to gaze around and think "whoah...". When it was me, living my life day to day and throwing all caution to the wind, the only person I had to consider was me. What did I want? How did I want to feel? What did I want the outcome to be? Now, I have all these little people (and one big one) to think for. They see me as the brains of their operation, their leader. They see me as a hero who goes to work, reads stories while wearing the coordinating character costume, and bakes cookies--all in the same day. They don't doubt my actions--ever. They simply praise them and call me the Queen of Everything! If only I felt that way....
No one tells you how to be a good wife or a great Mom...often, you don't get and criticism or feedback...you just feel your way along.
What am I trying to say? Hmmmm... I wish I knew. It's probably just hormones making me feel all of my 35 long years. Or is it?
