For those of you who do not have kids yet, sit back and take notes so you won't get played like we did. For Single people, you may have met one of these Pimps. For those of you with kids, you probably already know the Invisible Pimp. In fact, some of you may BE an Invisible Pimp....hmmmm...eitherway, I am about to call this person out so that you too will be able to recognize the Invisible Pimps.
Who are said pimps, you ask? Let us discuss.
Pimp #1: Throws a large birthday party in the backyard every year for ALL of her kids. This party has a DJ, a fun jump, a clown, and more adults than kids. At each party, she invites your whole family and tells you that she will be serving kid food and "real food". So you and your whole family go (hey, she insisted). You feel guilty about bringing your whole crew (husband, bad azz kids) so you overspend on the gift (as the pimp Mom) knew you would. The birthday kids opens up a mountain of expensive gifts while you munch on a chili dog and your husband slurps the beer that the pimp and her husband keep pushing on him. After about an hour and a case of beer, you notice the birthday kid strutting around with $5, $10, and $20 bills pinned to his/her shirt just as you notice your happily tipsy husband putting his wallet back in his pocket. Sound familiar? Yep, you been pimped!
Pimp #2: Throws kid(s) a party at a food place. Not a food place like McDonald's or Chuck E. Cheese where SHE pays and you buy a gift. A food place like Bennigans where you have to buy your and your kid's food (about $20-$30 if you order a decent drink to entertain yourself with while the kids party). Then, add in the gift that she actually made up a registry for. Yes, registry. Or, the ridiculously priced PSP game she hinted that her kid would love. Or the Brats Corvette that she wasn't too shame to ask you to buy. Your food+your kids food+gift= AT LEAST $60. Mom then tells you some excuse about the bakery messing up the cake order. When the restaraunt crew brings out the fuzzy chocolate whipped cream surprise and sings Happy Happy Birthday, your kid will or course scream for one too. Birthday kids cost? Free. Your kids cost? $5.95. Sound familiar? Yep, ya been pimped.
Pimp #3: The artsy crafty Mom who throws the party at the Ceramics Workshop or better yet Build-a-Bear! You send your kid with $20-$30 each(remember, I have 3 small ones and pimp Mom insists that they ALL to attend) PLUS a gift for the birthday kid. With me so far? Now add up the costs of you wandering around the mall and buying a bunch of shyt you do not need because you do not want to be in the Build-A-Bear Workshop around 30 screaming kids. You walk back to pick your kids up and one of them is screaming because they cannot afford to buy the bear a leather motorcyle jacket like Daddy has. You cave in from the screaming (and embarrassment) and pay the extra $12 for the jacket. As you leave, you hear the Invisible Pimp bragging that her child got a free Bear (on top of all the gifts that the guests bought) because they brought in so much revenue to the store. Sound familiar? Yep, you have been pimped.
**Footnote: you will catch the above pimps bragging that they never have to buy their kids gifts because the guests at the party go all out. WTF?
Pimp #4: I only met this Pimp when my step-kids came to live with us and started school in the Twisted Mayberry where we moved. This pimp gives her 12 year old a birthday party at a "hall" and on the invitation, puts $3 admission in lieu of gifts. Fine. When you go to drop the kids off, you notice that "the hall" is a club with a live DJ. The looks strangely like a club you used to visit but you don't remember it being open during daylight hours. The Mom is sitting on a barstool, collecting money at the door. She assures you that the club is simply the family business and no liquor will be sold or served to the kids.Oh, besides admission, you also did not have to bring a gift because refreshments are being SOLD. Yes, your kids can buy hot dogs, nachos, and sodas for $1 each. Yeah, you heard me. I have been pimped!
Pimp #5: I cut this pimp's game short. WHO...no...WHAT kind of mom holds a co-ed babyshower for the people in her 13 year old daughter's class??? I wouldn't know because I tore the invitation to shreds.
Pimp #6: Has had 4 babies and has had a babyshower for each one. Invites people (like you) that she never speaks to as well as people that she has been friends with for years. Now one would think that after the fourth baby, she would have everything, even a damned birthing table and PICU incubator. But no. For baby # 5, she has a registry and artsy boutique like places and has scanned things like a changing table and dresser. Is this chick for real? Oh, did I forgot to say that her husband/babydaddy/significant other is holding a "Diaper Shower" and inviting your husband?? She got you with the first and second but hopefully, you declined the invitation to the third, fourth, and fifth. What? You didn't? You, my friend, have been pimped.
Pimp #7: Has a baby but is too humble to have a baby shower. Instead, she and her husband (or babydaddy) select five to nine sets of god-parents. You and your husband or s/o feel honored but are confused because you don't know these folks all like that. Things go okay and you give gifts on birthdays, Easter, Christmas, etc. but don't hear from these folks otherwise. One day, you have friends over and after the second bottle of wine, your friend's husband tells you that they are little Bobby's godparents too. Then another friend says so is her sister. Then, you realize that the humble parents have not bought a THING since lil Bobby was born because all the sponsers godparents have been PIMPED!
Pimp #8: Invites you over to her place for "Girl's Night Out" or "Pampering Spa Party". She greets you at the door with a very potent Margarita or dry Martini. You have a seat on the couch with a few of your other girls who arrived before you but look very pissed off for some reason. You look up from the couch and see a homely azz looking Mary Kay lady with craters on her face telling you (who is wearing the finest MAC that your budget can bear) that you need a facial and a make-over and she will be the one to make up look beautiful. The hostess attempts to shut her up but not before Miss Mary Kay tells you that if you purchase over $100 worth of crap, all the hostesses products will be free. If you don't get up and away from this ugly azzed woman and your scheeming azzed friend, you WILL be pimped!
The Final and 8th Type of Pimp: This pimp and his hizzoe have been shacking for nine years. They decide to buy a home. In your mailbox, there is an invitation for a "Housewarming Party". Now, you bought them a really nice gift for their engagement party and planned on getting them a really nice wedding gift (but nine years after being engaged, they still are not married but purchasing a house together). Like several of the aforementioned Pimps, this Pimp and his Hizzoe are registered at places like Pier One and the Bombay Company. They want you to buy shyt for their new home that they couldn't or wouldn't buy in NINE years of shacking up. If you even go to a housewarming for this kind of pimp, you have DEFINITELY BEEN PIMPED.
Ya'll know we got some kids over here. Out of love for our kids and respect for the budgets of our friends and family, we seldom throw parties. For the babies, I bring cake, treats, and party favors to school (all 3 of the little ones have parties during school/daycare months) and we call it a party. The older kids? We take them to the restaurant of their choice and let them order off the grown folks side of the menu. Oh yeah, we get them a pretty ok gift also. In the past, I have spent so much on other people's parties that I feel like a sucker. I don't mind going to the occassional one but please, let us stop pimping those that we consider friends!
